1. verylittlebird:

    gotta aim the world’s largest fart machine someplace

     

  2. "

    So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

    And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?!”

    So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

    And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

    And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

    So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

    And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

    "
     

  3. No-one’s tagged me in that 6 selfies thing but I’ll still fucken do it, I don’t give a shit about the rules. Just wait.

     

  4. grumpysalmon said: You got kicked off the voice kids tonight and I'm not taking it well

    Firstly I want to thank you for your support during my amazing journey on the voice kids. Second off, do not weep for me, because even though my journey on this tv show has come to an end, the journey of the rest of my life has only just started. And thirdly of all, know this, I will never ever stop singing.

     

  5. gotitforcheap:

    how do people have their favourite tv shows in their about me sections. What the fuck went wrong in your life where “I love how I met your mother” is the third most important thing you want people to know about you

    (via gotitforcheap)

     
  6. (Source: thewitchdoctor)

     
  7. "Actually Penny, you are dumb and the answer to your dilemma is the same as this weird thing I will say about particle physics, keep in mind I know nothing about humans especially girls"

     
  8. A Lannister always names his streets or something idk

     
  9. haha, hey guys come have a look at this! have you heard of funny or die? haha, holy shit, it’s a humour website, yeah, i know, it’s so good. Will Ferrell is involved with it somehow. No, i don’t think he writes the tweets personally, but someone does and haha, i mean jeez, have you read it yet? the bit about ice cream fixing all your problems? god, i’m done, hahaha, i’m laughing too much, especially how its says ‘this just in’, right? get it? like a news report. haha, imagine a freakin news report about icecream fixing all your problems? but yeah, funny or die man, they make heaps of money for a comedy website because they’re so good at what they do. 

     
  10. verylittlebird:

    that’s good of them

     

  11. admetum:

    bad news, god is real and life does matter

    (via grevenz)

     

  12. reallyreallyreallytrying:

    [inspects huge peanut m&m through jewelers loupe]: perfect clarity. perfect cut

    (via thekingintheinnernorth)

     
  13.  
  14. The Queen and her personal guard

    (Source: besturlonhere, via meltedbartsimpson)

     
  15. Mondays!

    (Source: zenpond, via gotitforcheap)