1. We would like the record to show that Matt Newton has been extremely fair in his distribution of violence. He is completely indiscriminate and doesn’t target anyone based on their sex OR, it should be known, their age.

    Just last week after pushing an elderly woman down a flight of stairs, Matthew Newton balanced out his karma by punching a baby in the face. A male baby I might add.

    Neither sex, age, race nor even species is any barrier to Matthew Newtons violence. Never has a black cat crossed his path, for any cat that comes within a 3 foot radius of Matthew Newton is kicked swiftly and mercilessly, without exception. Had he not been raised as the spoiled son of a famous media personality, Matthew might well have made a career in soccer, such is his skill and dexterity at kicking small moving objects.

    His breakfast of choice, a favourite among the few awful people willing to call Matthew their friend, is his scrambled eggs. Specially prepared by brutally and repeatedly punching a chicken in the stomach and then squeezing the contents into a hot frying pan. Matthew claims he is literally able to taste the pain in such a dish, a rare and exotic garnish indeed.

    So for all those claiming that Matthew Newton is merely a sexist. Please stop, not only is it unfair, it’s just not true. He is far, far worse. 

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